On Resilience and Forgiveness.
This morning I awoke from a dream that left me uneasy and a bit nostalgic. Unfortunately the human mind is made so, that you keep on missing people even if they hurt you. You can try to go against that inclination, you can waste a lot of time and huge amounts of energy to hate, resent and blame those who did bad to you, or even yourself. Or you can let go of those feelings and save yourself more pain than you already had to face.
For some of us it's easier said than done. I happen to be, or to have become with years, someone who doesn't hold grudges. Truth is, I very rarely feel like blaming or resenting people for what they might have done to me. I would tend to blame myself more. You should have done this, and not that, how you could you do that? how stupid of you to not have seen that! Either way, holding onto those negative feelings do more harm than good. If it does any.
Years have taught me to forgive. And even the word forgive wouldn't really describe perfectly the feeling I have, since I rarely resent in the first place. As cheesy as it sounds, I am, most of the time, sorry and sad for people who hurt me. Either because I know that they're not in a place that enables them to be good to others, or because they're simply too immature to realize what they're doing. When this guy that I like(d) a lot, cut me off, simply because I wasn't reacting and behaving like most girls he had met before, it sure hurt. It still hurts to be rejected for no good reason, but to have not conformed to the pattern that someone applies to everyone else, without taking each and every person's particularities in consideration.
But I am sad for him in the end, as much as I am for myself. It is sad that he cannot accept, love and embrace others differences and personalities, if they are not what he's expecting. It is sad, that he fears getting involved with someone on a deeper level than casual sex. To think of him as someone who has issues and insecurities as well, make it impossible for me to hate or dislike him even. I don't have harsh feelings at all, instead I feel sorry that I couldn't help him. I am sorry that he won't know how amazing it is, to take life as it is, and people as they are, with all they can teach us.
But when people hurt you, over and over, it is tempting to change. To withdraw into oneself, to build up a shell or an armor. To let others' mistakes, wounds and insecurities transform you. People often call me naive, and advise me to stop trusting others that much. I know it's taking the risk of being hurt, disappointed and even broken. With years I have even become afraid to be broken for real, to be hurt so much that I could not move on. But the biggest failure of all, in my opinion, would be to become a bitter person, a way too careful heart that wouldn't open to others beauty and light.
If anything, I'd rather be hurt but give people a chance than miss someone amazing in fear of ghosts from the past and "maybes" that I have no clue about. I also hope that those who may have hurt me, be it in little or big ways, would learn something from it. We often hear and read that people come in our lives for a reason, it's important to remember that we also come into theirs for a reason. And perhaps, am I, are we, here for people to learn, change and feel.
To embrace a life of love isn't always easy, but I find it way easier than to live a life of hate.
Beautifully written. I really hope you come out with an ebook sometime soon!
RépondreSupprimerSalut Emy!
RépondreSupprimerI totally agree. I have learned to not regret anything in my life anymore. It's easier that way than thinking of the what if's. Too much stress and negativity. And even though it resulted in to a failure, what's important is that you gave your very best at that time, and it makes things easier to let go. Let go and move on, as what I would always say.
But there are times that it's just too hard, so I would just sometime write a poem. Poetry with bad rhymes, mind you. It helped me a lot in times of sadness. Tu peux l'essayer si tu as le temps. :)
Fais pas cette tête! C'est la vie, n'est-ce pas? De toute façon, j'ai hâte de ton article prochain! Garde le moral! Bisous de Philippines!
Jeff
I sincerely believe that life is made of experiences. However, when you're open to them, you might end up hurt in someway.
RépondreSupprimerPeople are different. I'm sure you've heard it before, but it's always been the truth. Sometimes we expect great things of them, we want them to be as we imagine, and we end up with our souls broken, completly disappointed.
That happens because we care. We care for the others in a different proportion that they do for us.
It's not worthy living a life in the easiest way. You only feel that you're alive when you pass through hard times, and make it count!
It's when you grow as a human being.
All the best for you!
He was not interested in knowing true love, he was only interested in casual sex. He will never know a future with you, with all it's joys and pain. So keep your chin up, your heart open and stay tough. If you need to talk, I'm here. Or there.
RépondreSupprimerBeautiful and how I feel too.
RépondreSupprimerMaintaining a heart of plasticity is very difficult and I'm not great at accepting love but I hope I can one day. My hurts go so deep, I often feel entrenched by them but also because of that, I want to help others who suffer too.
I hope one day, you'll find a person who respects the depths of love and kindness you have to offer and someone who respects you. I wish this too :)
I'm still experiening unrequited 'love' and watching your video on this helps me to see that, real love isn't about expecting it back. It's about showing it anyway, which is so hard when you're in love. This man I love is truly amazing to me and I feel honoured to have known him, despite his inability to return it. As you say, it is a gift :)
Niamh x
I must be like you. I tend to blame myself most of all. I struggle with the same thing - sometimes it is easiest for me to build up a wall, but I have to remember not to. I just know that I keep the important people close and try to forget the rest.
RépondreSupprimerHi Emy, you are mature beyond your age. I always enjoy your blog because they are so raw and full of emotions. Have you heard of the book A Course in Miracles? The key message of the book and it's teachings are about Forgiveness. According to the book, true forgiveness is the release of judgment, of ourselves and of others. The World around us is a projection of our mind. We suffer because we judge and refuse to wake up from the illusion. I think you will like the book very much if you haven't heard about it already.
RépondreSupprimerThere's a Chinese proverb that says "It is easy to be a rock, harder is to be glassy.". And I guess this is more or less what the spirit of your writing. It will never be easy to be venerable, to love, to like, to take the consequences and risk of developing affections, BUT this are very satisfying and meaningful emotions. To create real connections, to enjoy passionately life, I guess this is what real life is about...not just existence, like a rock.
RépondreSupprimerSome people will never figure it out. Some people will avoid figure it out. Some people will be delighted to figure it out. In the end, is a choice on how you wanna conduce your life. But let me tell you: I guess the way you pick is the most beautiful.
Sometimes it takes another person to rearrange words so that they help another have realizations.
RépondreSupprimerI always try to be positive. In fact, I have been told that I am positive. Personally, I don't see myself in the same light. I'm much more cynical and bitter in my thinking.
The last part of the post about being bitter and being a failure made me realize something more so than before: we can blame whomever we want to, but that blame needs to be put aside.
Such blame, anger, grudges, sadness, grieving, while all are normal and take time to work through, there is one very important thing to come to terms with: what has been gained in terms of learning about life?