On the road again.

I really want to write interesting and entertaining posts on here, but it's raining every single day in Paris so I don't go out. And I also spend most of my time online, and studying.
So I thought I'd share with you five of my most awesome memories. My Top5, I guess, of the places I've been to! I'd love to read yours by the way ! :) So feel freeee to share it with me :)

.1.

Ok. First one is Budapest. If you know me a tiny bit, I'm sure you saw that coming. Budapest is my favourite city, apart from Paris. I can't really explain why I loved it that much, but I loved it even before going there. While planning my trip in Europe, I said ' I'm not going to like Sweden, but I'm sure I'm going to adore Budapest". I was completely right. Budapest stole my heart, from the very first moment. I loved the station, the street that lead us to our hotel. Lovely hotel bytheway. I loved the atmospheer, during the day but also during nighttime. It was just magnificient, and I felt at home immediatly. The first day was kind of cloudy and rainy, but the next day was super sunny and bright. I think I'll remember forever the the sun on the Fishermen's Bastion, the silence around the Gresham Palace at night, the beauty of the Parliament, the adorable little houses, the breakfast at Gerbeaud... Everything. When I feel down, when I feel good, this is always where I wish I could be. Because I'm pretty sure sadness would fly away, and happiness would taste amazing there. I actually loved Budapest so much that I'm really thinking of learning hungarian, and spend sometime there in the future.

.2.

  

My first travel, my first experience of pure amazment to be somewhere else. I was around 13/14years old. I don't have many memories from that trip to be honest, or well I do have some, but there are completely different from the ones I have now, as a 'travellover". I love Germany. I love german people, so friendly, openminded and warm. I love Bayern, it's like a place out of time. Green, deep, silent and yet so alive. Full of history, full of mysteries and castles and spirituality. Everyone would feel small, so small and would immediatly understand the meaning of 'dream' seeing Königsee or Neuschwanstein castles, only to name a few. I'm sorry I have no idea what I was thinking with the huge writing on the pictures. Such a shame!

.3.

We actually accidently deleted the pictures from Cheddar. But feel free to check it online, it's so beautiful!

Cheddar. The epitome of England to me. From what I've seen from it at least. A peaceful, quiet, charming little village(?), lost in England, surrounded by high cliffs. I don't really know what to say about Cheddar. It was just so peaceful, so far away from any troubles, issues or everyday chores. A place where life seems to be so sweet, so easy and basically charming. Yes, charming suits this place perfectly. This is where I had my first 'fish&chips' in England. It was a sunny sunny day, we bought lucky stones with Jamie, had lot of fun with Kieran. This roadtrip in England was definitely one of the happiest and most carefree moments of my life.

.4.

Nara. It's hard to choose a precise place, moment in Japan. But Nara was amazing. When I think about it now, a melancholic and somehow sad feeling appears. Probably because of the rain that didn't stop during our time there, and also the night that seems to be present in every of my memories of that city. We didn't stay long there, only one day. But the night we spent there,was the most amazing and beautiful night of my life. Well, in a way. I left this place with some regrets, I want to see Nara in the rays of the sun, I want to spend more than one day there. Moreover, when you know a bit about the history of Japan, you can only feel lucky and amazed to be there.

.5.

I wasn't sure if Venice would make it to the top5. I can't really understand these doubts though. I really liked Venezia. Not my favourite city, but a city that inspired me to write. A city as peaceful as a willage yet magnificient like a great city from another era. Venezia is always on the edge, so full of past, secrets but never sad. There's this shadow you fear at every corner, but you always find a beautful building, some flowers on a balcony, a cosy little restaurant or a gondolier singing. When you leave Venice, you already want to be back, and you secretely hope that time will forget you if you spend enough time there, just like it forgot the whole city, leaving it untouched. There are two particular places I loved the most there. Burano, and the Lido beach. We visited Burano the whole day, it takes quite a while to get there from Venice itself. This little village is just lovely and so colorful(oh really?!). It reminded me of how when I was a child I used to wonder why buildings weren't red, blue green... I thought it'd make everyone much happier! I don't knw if I was right, but I felt pretty happy in Burano. And the Lido beach was just lovely. I love the sea, I love the ocean even more, and I just love beaches in general. So no wonder, why a day in Burano, ending on this almost desert beach was, well, quite perfect!


What about the places that you'll go back immediatly if you could? :)

"words don’t come from a writer, but through a writer"

I love movies. I am not an avid watcher, I don't have a favorite actor nor actress and I don't know my classics. I have never watched Titanic,Fight Club nor Kill Bill and my favorite movie is Free Willy.
But I love movies. I'm just extremely picky when it comes to cinema, that's it.
It is too easy to be disappointed in a movie. I need to like the aesthetic, the plot, the actors, the musics, the way it is filmed. Basically everything.
Moreover I read a lot, and I don't really like watching movies if I have already read the story/book.

I love writing. You all know that I think. I've always loved it, I've always done it, and I've always had the same exact method to do it. I see a movie inside my head. A real movie. The lights, the settings, the shots, the close ups... And then I write everything down. I love writing, and I find it quite easy. I would also like to think that I don't do it too badly.
Words give you HUGE amount of possibilities. You can read them again and again, the beauty won't disappear. Flaubert, Stendhal, Wilde, Tchekhov...
I can only be in awe of their talent, sensitivity, originality. Words fall exactly how they are meant to. Sentences are running after one another in a miraculous order.

As a child, as a teenager, and now as a young adult, my biggest dream hasn't changed at all.
Having one of my stories published would be the biggest achievement of my life, the biggest source of happiness and probabaly make my inner child feel at peace.

Last week end, I went to the movies, to watch Ruby's sparks.
I loved the movie. This reminded me of how much I love writing.
I'm very lazy, but I can't be that lazy that I am forgetting my dream again&again, wasting precious time that I could use to improve myself. What I could write today will never be the same as what I'll write in ten days, weeks or months. Years is way too scary to say!

To be honest, these past two years, with being so deeply 'in love" with that mysterious(aha) man, I have somehow been extremely close&far from myself.
I have discovered new aspects of my personality, I've grown up, I've learnt so much about life, love, happiness but I completely forgot about 'me'. All I could think of, being him.
I think it is time to connect again with myself.

First steps will be : - writing again
                             - buying myself FINALLY AFTER 14YEARS a typewriter
                             - clothesmakeuphair . stop caring about what someone else could think of you.
                             - use all the time that I now have for myself, to educate myself about things I like.

I guess everyone has a secret(or not) dream. I hope you're not letting your dream along the way.
I guess what I'd like to say with this entry, after the depressing and weak last one, is that it only takes some will to be the one you want to be. To do the things you want to do.
I guess it is good sometimes to have a little reminder, and this is exactly what this movie was to me.
A reminder of who I am, deep inside.

Cause she used to be a pearl.

I've been trying to write this entry for many times, but I just can't seem to find the right words. I don't really know what I want to say, and what feedback I expect to get. Probably, do I hope that some people will find the words that I can't find myself.

I've always been a very paradoxical person. I tried for the most part to think it was alright, and that didn't bother in most situations to be honest. I just had to think, oh well this is life! Not everything can be logical.

But this past year, I've been fighting with myself. Fighting for two reasons. Fighting against this anxiety that has been growing and growing in me. And fighting because I was pretending it was alright, pretending it couldn't be, because it was not logical.

But now, I somehow have to face it. 

Nothing dramatic, not that much of a big deal but something I can't try to hide anymore, or disguise into something else. 

I really hate the sound of these words, I hate having to admit it and I hate this sentence that I'm about to write. It seems that I have social anxiety disorder. Or at least I have many symptoms that say so. It grew bigger and bigger during the past year or so, and prevents now from doing many things.

The main one being going to school. Attending classes at uni has become something almost impossible for me now. It sounds ridiculous and stupid, and I'm the first one to think so. But it is true. The worst is obviously public speech class. I haven't attended any since I entered uni to be honest. Somehow I managed to pass the tests of the first year, and am now in the second year of studies.

I love japanese, and I love learning. But I just can't go to uni. It started with normal stress, or just being annoyed by classes. Then it became anxiety, fear and now it is almost panick. 

There were so many times, I woke up, dressed up, took the subway for 40minutes, and waited in front of the classroom to attend the curse. And then it goes wrong. I feel hot and cold. So hot that I sweat a lot. It's gross but I sweat so much that I can almost feel it on my face. My stomach hurts, I feel like crying and I sometimes can't even see well anymore. So I leave. 

And the rare times I actually force myself to attend the curse, if I have to participate in any way, I'll be so tense the whole time that I feel exhausted at the end, I just want to sleep. I blush all the time, I feel so hot and  being around these other students, in a closed room feels really uncomfortable.

Lately I noticed it started to happen in other places and situations. In the bus or the subway for example. I also feel dizzy when going down the stairs. Sometimes I'll look outside by the window, and eventhough I haven't been out for a few days, I'll just think ' oh no I can't go out alone. It's going to be too bright, too noisy, too many people..."

So here I am now. I don't really know why I'm writting about that on here. But I hope you'll understand.

I may or may not have to see a psychologist. Or someone that will help me go back to my old me. The one on these pictures. The one I still am times to times. When I talk to strangers without any embarrassment. That's the person I am and want to be. Not this stupid and weak girl that can't deal with stress.