When I turned 16 I stopped feeling, even the slightest, enthusiastic about my birthdays. I simply stopped celebrating them. Why? I cannot really explain it, because back then I had no fear of dying, nor any desire to keep on living the way I used to. I just felt repugnant to celebrate this day, and I don't even remember the last time I had a cake. Now explaining why I still feel this way is pretty easy. I don't want to die, I don't want to get older, and this also goes for people around me. How fast time flies by, is surely one of the scariest thing on earth. I hate to know today will be yesterday, and to know that everything will change is making me feel so anxious.It's a little bit paradoxial, because I like to try new things, I live for the new, the unknown, the adventure&experiences life gives you. But when I stop, and suddenly realize I'm20, it's like the ground giving away. 20. There will come a day when I won't remember this one, there are so many days I have lost, in the very dark corners of my memory. The thought of it is painful. There will come a year, when I will look back at pictures of myself, and think : "this is how I looked when I was young". Not younger, but young.
Am I the only one to be paralyzed by this idea?
So now, every little event that happens to me, every little moment is a joy, because it's a chance. It's a beautiful moment when I'm alive, when I can feel, think, love and laugh. I'm aware of the transience of everything. When I'm looking at a beautiful landscape, I'm grateful and enjoying the moment, but I love it more because I know this moment will never come back. When I touch my body, I know one day it will be dust. And being aware of that everyday is a burdden as much as it is a good thing. Because I know I don't want to waste any minute of my life, preteding, faking, hidding. I am being true to myself all the time, and I'm feeling lucky for almost everything that God gives me.
It's no surprise then, that I have this obsession with documenting everything. I take pictures, I film, I have calendars and diaries. Everything I do, everywhere I go, everyone I meet, I want to remember. So I keep a trace of everything, because I know my brain is going to erase things. I am a bit afraid, I must say, to lose my memory. Writing everything down, having pictures&movies of every single thing calms me so much.
The worst may be, when you live the instant with so much intensity and passion that it consums itself almost immediatly. You know then, that you have lived this moment, it did really happen, but you don't really feel it anymore. It's like a dream, or a recollection of something that took place in another world, or another life.
I wish someone would come up with a machine, that would allows you to feel again your memories. To smell, to feel, to hear, to see... exactly the way you did at that precise moment. This would be awesome.
This fear of death, of getting old, sometimes makes me crazy, since it makes me feel like any day I don't do something cool, is a wasted day. Not doing anything, not moving, not discovering anything means a day you didn't take advantage of, a day you'll regret later in the future. I know it's tiring for people around me, because they get on my nerves when they tell me to calm down, to slow down. It's like they just don't understand how damn important now is. But it's also tiring for me, it's the most tiring for me in fact. But it's also beautiful.
I'm probably the only crazy girl who runs back to the begining of the street at night, to feel like I'm living the same moment again&again, for once winning against time. However, the happinness I feel when I look at the sky, breathe the evening air and fully, truly stand here, on this beloved Earth, feeling connected with everything&everyone is priceless. I embrace the instant, and all the past ones that made me into who I am now, able to feel that joy.
I don't really know, why I wrote all this, but I want to go back to my normal style of blogging. I don't want to refrain myself from posting anything on here. Cooking, traveling, beauty,OOTD posts are great, but I like to write about everything, and I like to read your comments on these topics that matter to me.
I hope it's not too boring for you, and in order to make this post maybe a bit more interesting, here are some pictures of the week :)