lundi 9 avril 2012

Have a good dream.

Hi guys :)
Wow. It's been such a long time since I last wrote here. I have been doing nothing interesting so I didn't know what to post. But finally, a blog is also meant to be a place for you to talk about what's going on in your life, how you feel... whether it is exciting or not right?
I'm going to try to be quick, clear and not boring while telling you a bit what's going on.
Let's go:)
I am leaving for Japan on friday. How exciting right? I feel very anxious and tense about this departure, actually I have been waiting, expecting this day for 6 years now. And it feels so unreal to me. I cannot realize I'm really going there yet. I have nothing planned, nothing sorted out yet. I just recently bought my suitcase. I really don't realize that on friday I'll be in the plane, for many many many hours, and that on saturday I'll be in Tokyo.
In Tokyo... Pretty much unbelievable right?
I have even more unbelievable in my bag but I cannot really talk about it. And I don't want to either.
Here we go for a bit of random rambling. I'm in a weird position, where I have to make choices that I never thought I would have to do. As a girl, and seeing my 'past experiences' I am tired of men thinking of me as a challenge, a one night stand or a piece of meat. There's much more to me than just my appearance, just like for any person. So when you feel like you're considered as a toy, it is just upsetting and kind of painful as well.
For some reasons, men or boys should I say, are never really interested in me for something else than my appearance. It makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me? After all maybe am I not interesting, smart, funny, kind enough for people to want something more from me?
It's a shame that apparently most of the time, people come to you with something in mind. I mean, couldn't you just come to talk to someone because they look funny, nice or friendly?
I am not the kind of girl who's like, oh boys, they're all the same. They all want the same damn thing.
I actually don't believe in that, but everytime I'm proved the opposite. I'm tired of being called naïve by my friends.
It's not a secret for most of you anymore, that I have to deal with some fears, issues about sexuality. But even if I were completely confident and alright with it, I don't think I would appreciate to be asked for sex from someone I don't know. I think it would be the same for most girls right?
No girl wants to be just one among the dozens of girls you've slept with. I think it's one of the most awful thing that could happen to you, especially if you have feelings, may they be small, for that person.
Okay. You have a bit of an insight of what I am 'going through' I guess.
Life's pretty amazing, I'm grateful for everything that happens to me, every experience is a new lesson. But sometimes I really don't know what to do, I'm afraid of doing mistakes and of being hurt. Hopefully he's as kind and good as I think he is.
I willl just ask you all guys to cross your fingers for me. It would really mean a lot.