lundi 25 juin 2012

If this feeling dies, nothing will be able to appear in this heart again.

Hey hello there! I hope you haven't forgotten about me. I have no idea why and how I stayed away from the internet for so long. It's summer here, but halas we only have like one sunny day a week. It's lame right? Summer's about sun, heat,birds, flowers,friends and beautiful and warm evenings.
Not about rain, dear weather, please note this.
However I've been trying to make the most of everydays, I've been to the countryside, to visit my family. I'm seeing my friends all the time, playing badminton, having good times&eating good food.
I have planned my 'summer trip' with my dearest friend, whom you probably know because she's always with me, Yolaine. We're going to Italy, finally for the first time. We both have italian roots, both love the country and both need to breathe new fresh air.
Lately I've been thinking about last summer a lot. It's incredible how much I have changed in only a year. And this hurts to realize this, as much as it's a relief. It's magical to look at yourself, and see how much you transform, evolve, yet can still not give up on anything you believe in.
I'm not giving up, I'm just accepting to let go, and accepting that things are definitely not to last forever.
I feel free now, could I say so free that it's making me dizzy? It's scary, yes it is. For the last two years, I've been waking up, going to bed, eating, walking, laughing, traveling[...] always thinking of the same person, the same thing always going on&on in my head. And suddenly it disappeared. Not disappeared completely, memories are here, feelings are still here, but it's like they've fallen asleep suddenly.
I call them, and their replies are so weak. So soft and painless.
And it's a relief, it's like I'm suddenly discharged of a huge weight. But it's completely scary, it's like standing on the edge, looking down,down.
But you know what? It's fine, it's completely fine, because life's beautiful, because everyday you should wake up and feel grateful. Say thanks, for this new day that you could have never seen.
Life's not serious in the end. It's a bonus and I'm definitely not going to obsess myself over feelings I can't control, and that for now, can't lead me to something good.
You know how sometimes in life, you love someone, with a real&tender love, but at the same time you know you have no desire to be in a relationship with them?
It's a bit weird, it's 'preventing' you from being in a relationship with anyone, because the love you feel cannot be erased, but cannot take place in reality.
I love someone, have no desire to be with that person, and no desire to change my situation.
I am happy, grateful and am so impatient to see what I can learn more about happiness and life.
This trip to Italy is going to be one of the kind. I'm so looking forward to it !

Let me know if you have any plans for this summer?:)

vendredi 8 juin 2012

It's you it's you, it's all for you.

Someone should just tie my hands and stop me from blogging when I feel down, but halas. there's no one here to do such a thing. Don't worry I have no desire to complain. I don't like complaining, I've never liked to. I do appreciate sharing my feelings and moods with people, but complaining is very useless to me.
People ask me how I do to always look happy and apparently positive.
Therefore I thought I would answer this, right now. The key is probably love.
Love of everything and if I can say, love of everyone.
First of all loving oneself, not just like in loving who you are, what you look like and such,but more like loving you as a fellow, or no. a dear friend. I can enjoy my own company, my own sense of humor and I know what are my qualities, what are my weak points.What I can handle, and what is going to hurt me.
Seeing oneself as a friend is the best way to live a pleasant life. Because you would never put a friend in a bad situation  right? Treat yourself as a friend, don't hurt yourself with things you can't handle, people who  will hurt you and basically any 'bad' thing for you. It's all about becoming aware of oneself.
Once this is done, you'll be driven by the best feelings in your relationships with others. I find myself ridiculously  happy when I share smiles with strangers, when I exchange some words with people in the streets. I love people. And I try to be as kind as I can, all the time, because I don't want to believe everyone in this world is messed up&cold. I want to believe people feel the same way as I do, I want to believe they need love, they want love above anything else.
I've always thought and felt, deep in myself, that God had a plan for me, that I was a tool to help people being a little bit happier. Therefore, being happy,kind and understanding is the least I can do.
Love life.Love the rain, the sun, the sky, the ground. Be grateful for the light and the darkness, for the water and the food. Feel joy for being able to wake up every day, to see, to hear, to touch and taste. For the people you've met, the experiences you've had...and never give up for all the ones to come.
I wasn't always like that, I used to be a very pessimistic, depressed person. But I fought, and loving people changed me. Loving my family, loving friends, strangers, and God,obviously. But that is a bit more personal, and I guess cannot be true for everyone.
And comes a time in your life when you meet Love, the one who makes you a better person.The one you want to improve for, the one who makes you even happier to be alive, because you are able then, to know him or her.
Yes, the key is love.

lundi 4 juin 2012

We were born and raised in the summer air.

When I turned 16 I stopped feeling, even the slightest, enthusiastic about my birthdays. I simply stopped celebrating them. Why? I cannot really explain it, because back then I had no fear of dying, nor any desire to keep on living the way I used to. I just felt repugnant to celebrate this day, and I don't even remember the last time I had a cake. Now explaining why I still feel this way is pretty easy. I don't want to die, I don't want to get older, and this also goes for people around me. How fast time flies by, is surely one of the scariest thing on earth. I hate to know today will be yesterday, and to know that everything will change is making me feel so anxious.It's a little bit paradoxial, because I like to try new things, I live for the new, the unknown, the adventure&experiences life gives you. But when I stop, and suddenly realize I'm20, it's like the ground giving away. 20. There will come a day when I won't remember this one, there are so many days I have lost, in the very dark corners of my memory. The thought of it is painful. There will come a year, when I will look back at pictures of myself, and think : "this is how I looked when I was young". Not younger, but young.
Am I the only one to be paralyzed by this idea?
So now, every little event that happens to me, every little moment is a joy, because it's a chance. It's a beautiful moment when I'm alive, when I can feel, think, love and laugh. I'm aware of the transience of everything. When I'm looking at a beautiful landscape, I'm grateful and enjoying the moment, but I love it more because I know this moment will never come back. When I touch my body, I know one day it will be dust. And being aware of that everyday is a burdden as much as it is a good thing. Because I know I don't want to waste any minute of my life, preteding, faking, hidding. I am being true to myself all the time, and I'm feeling lucky for almost everything that God gives me.
It's no surprise then, that I have this obsession with documenting everything. I take pictures, I film, I have calendars and diaries. Everything I do, everywhere I go, everyone I meet, I want to remember. So I keep a trace of everything, because I know my brain is going to erase things. I am a bit afraid, I must say, to lose my memory. Writing everything down, having pictures&movies of every single thing calms me so much.
The worst may be, when you live the instant with so much intensity and passion that it consums itself almost immediatly. You know then, that you have lived this moment, it did really happen, but you don't really feel it anymore. It's like a dream, or a recollection of something that took place in another world, or another life.
I wish someone would come up with a machine, that would allows you to feel again your memories. To smell, to feel, to hear, to see... exactly the way you did at that precise moment. This would be awesome.
This fear of death, of getting old, sometimes makes me crazy, since it makes me feel like any day I don't do something cool, is a wasted day. Not doing anything, not moving, not discovering anything means a day you didn't take advantage of, a day you'll regret later in the future. I know it's tiring for people around me, because they get on my nerves when they tell me to calm down, to slow down. It's like they just don't understand how damn important now is. But it's also tiring for me, it's the most tiring for me in fact. But it's also beautiful.
I'm probably the only crazy girl who runs back to the begining of the street at night, to feel like I'm living the same moment again&again, for once winning against time. However, the happinness I feel when I look at the sky, breathe the evening air and fully, truly stand here, on this beloved Earth, feeling connected with everything&everyone is priceless. I embrace the instant, and all the past ones that made me into who I am now, able to feel that joy.

I don't really know, why I wrote all this, but I want to go back to my normal style of blogging. I don't want to refrain myself from posting anything on here. Cooking, traveling, beauty,OOTD posts are great, but I like to write about everything, and I like to read your comments on these topics that matter to me.
I hope it's not too boring for you, and in order to make this post maybe a bit more interesting, here are some pictures of the week :)