lundi 4 juin 2012

We were born and raised in the summer air.

When I turned 16 I stopped feeling, even the slightest, enthusiastic about my birthdays. I simply stopped celebrating them. Why? I cannot really explain it, because back then I had no fear of dying, nor any desire to keep on living the way I used to. I just felt repugnant to celebrate this day, and I don't even remember the last time I had a cake. Now explaining why I still feel this way is pretty easy. I don't want to die, I don't want to get older, and this also goes for people around me. How fast time flies by, is surely one of the scariest thing on earth. I hate to know today will be yesterday, and to know that everything will change is making me feel so anxious.It's a little bit paradoxial, because I like to try new things, I live for the new, the unknown, the adventure&experiences life gives you. But when I stop, and suddenly realize I'm20, it's like the ground giving away. 20. There will come a day when I won't remember this one, there are so many days I have lost, in the very dark corners of my memory. The thought of it is painful. There will come a year, when I will look back at pictures of myself, and think : "this is how I looked when I was young". Not younger, but young.
Am I the only one to be paralyzed by this idea?
So now, every little event that happens to me, every little moment is a joy, because it's a chance. It's a beautiful moment when I'm alive, when I can feel, think, love and laugh. I'm aware of the transience of everything. When I'm looking at a beautiful landscape, I'm grateful and enjoying the moment, but I love it more because I know this moment will never come back. When I touch my body, I know one day it will be dust. And being aware of that everyday is a burdden as much as it is a good thing. Because I know I don't want to waste any minute of my life, preteding, faking, hidding. I am being true to myself all the time, and I'm feeling lucky for almost everything that God gives me.
It's no surprise then, that I have this obsession with documenting everything. I take pictures, I film, I have calendars and diaries. Everything I do, everywhere I go, everyone I meet, I want to remember. So I keep a trace of everything, because I know my brain is going to erase things. I am a bit afraid, I must say, to lose my memory. Writing everything down, having pictures&movies of every single thing calms me so much.
The worst may be, when you live the instant with so much intensity and passion that it consums itself almost immediatly. You know then, that you have lived this moment, it did really happen, but you don't really feel it anymore. It's like a dream, or a recollection of something that took place in another world, or another life.
I wish someone would come up with a machine, that would allows you to feel again your memories. To smell, to feel, to hear, to see... exactly the way you did at that precise moment. This would be awesome.
This fear of death, of getting old, sometimes makes me crazy, since it makes me feel like any day I don't do something cool, is a wasted day. Not doing anything, not moving, not discovering anything means a day you didn't take advantage of, a day you'll regret later in the future. I know it's tiring for people around me, because they get on my nerves when they tell me to calm down, to slow down. It's like they just don't understand how damn important now is. But it's also tiring for me, it's the most tiring for me in fact. But it's also beautiful.
I'm probably the only crazy girl who runs back to the begining of the street at night, to feel like I'm living the same moment again&again, for once winning against time. However, the happinness I feel when I look at the sky, breathe the evening air and fully, truly stand here, on this beloved Earth, feeling connected with everything&everyone is priceless. I embrace the instant, and all the past ones that made me into who I am now, able to feel that joy.

I don't really know, why I wrote all this, but I want to go back to my normal style of blogging. I don't want to refrain myself from posting anything on here. Cooking, traveling, beauty,OOTD posts are great, but I like to write about everything, and I like to read your comments on these topics that matter to me.
I hope it's not too boring for you, and in order to make this post maybe a bit more interesting, here are some pictures of the week :)

6 commentaires:

  1. When you're 20 you don't have to ask this kind of question.
    Death is in a certain way, the goal of the Life. You can't fight against that.
    But anyway, you're young, don't think about it it's useless, enjoy each day, that's all

  2. How you explained all of that - the way you feel about life - is exactly how I feel. It feels so horrific to know that time is forever running out and we can never gain it back again. People tell us to stop being silly and stop fearing the future but I always don't think anyone else understands..
    Thank you for writing this, for showing me that there are other people out there who think the same way..
    Although I know we may never grow out of this fear, I hope that it will make us appreciate everything more ^__^

  3. interesting thoughts. very nice to read something else sometimes. I had written a long commet but it got deleted so maybe the next time. Your words reminded me of a part in a movie ...'That's the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things, and this icredibly bonevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poore excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... I need to remember... Sometime's there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.' It's from the movie american beauty but I'm sure you know that :)

  4. You should blog about whatever you want whenever you want :) It's filled with beautiful pictures and I love the way you write.

  5. La mémoire de toute ta vie est toujours présente en toi, mais le plus souvent inaccessible à ta conscience car nous sommes des animaux orientés vers l'action (c'est pour cela que certaines personnes ont raconté voir leur vie défiler lors d'accidents, quand la survie n'est plus possible, la mémoire se libère de son service).
    J'ai longtemps essayé d'arrêter le temps, et puis un jour j'ai compris que la vie est mouvement et qu'il n'existe rien entre le passé et l'avenir. Cela n'empêche pas de profiter de l'instant présent, plutôt que de le perdre à se remémorer ses soucis et problèmes comme tant d'adultes le font. Mais en gardant en mémoire, que la grâce du danseur, vient de son accord parfait avec l'énergie qui l'anime !

  6. Hi this is my first time reading your blog and also first time writer to someone I don't know. I got here from your youtube vids. I think I am writing to you because you remind me of a girl I once dated, and who I cared for, but I don't show her that now and I guess I am caring for you to make up for it.. I just wanted to share my thoughts on myself and how I handle the impermanency of life. I think you simply just have to observe everything as it goes by, no forcing anything. Hold it, feel it, and let go. In my struggles, for some reason I never thought of going out to fulfill my day, talking with people, doing fun things, I've always tried to force myself to accept silence and emptiness. I'll admit its mostly been sad, but I've definitely had moments where I've felt like I transcended life itself. I remember having one blissful day where I was at work, and I was observing the moment completely, I was immersed in the awareness of the air I breathe, the warm sun shining above like my second heart. To have had all those days of struggle and sadness makes up for that one day of true bliss. Because I know I am capable of living life like that everyday, if I can even do it for 8 hours. I guess what I am trying to say is that, at least for me, happiness is all around you for the taking, you just have to see it, be mindful of the moment, whatever it may be, hold it, feel it, let go, and you will be free.
    - D