Paris in little squares.

Oh hi, long time no see!

I am sorry about being a bit absent on here, I hosted a friend of mine for 10days and we spent most of our time exploring Paris, talking, walking, eating and sometimes sleeping.

On top of that, my friend isn't much into the YouTube thing either, so no video for you guys, BUT I did take a few pictures with my phone and instead of spamming all of you on instagram ( if you're not following me yet, my ID is antastesia), I thought I could share them with you on here!

I'll be back soon, real soon, to normal blogging with posts about Paris and food and more!

Those pictures are in no particular order, let's say they're even a bit of a mess but you can see the Opera house, the Louvre, Versailles, Les Champs Elysées,le Panthéon, l'Arc de Triomphe and much more!

I'm always amazed at how beautiful Paris is, and how easy it is to share it with others and actually see them falling in love, slowly or in an heartbeat with the city. I am incredibly grateful to live here, and grateful for the nice people I can explore it with.

dreams&fears.

Get ready for a long, very personnal post that might make you bored or uncomfortable or both.
Now that you're warned, off we go.

There are many things I don't deal well with. Crowds, intimacy, physical touch, speaking in public, phone calls, drunk people ... and desire. Desire is a very negatively connoted word in buddhism for example, or even in christianity where it's often associated with lust. That's not the kind of desire I want to talk about. I'm here talking about what you dream of, what you wish for, what you very stronly want to achieve. I'm talking about dreams and goals, if we were to put it simply.

Dreams and goals are supposed to be an happy thing, they give you a direction, give meaning to one's life and are basically a strengh to carry on and always go on. I'm well aware of that, I know people who are dreamless. They don't really have passions, they don't thrive and are not obsessed with anything. But see... the word came. obsessed.
I cannot bring myself to separate dreams and obsession, and I cannot bring myself to think of obsession as something positive.

If you know me well, you probably know where that's all going.
I can deal, reasonably well with medium and little goals. I did well with running 15kms this year, or reading 30books, not washing my hair too often or getting good grades at university.

But I don't deal well at all, at all, with my old dream of moving to Japan. I don't. I really don't.
16 y-o me, probably thought that the 22y-o me would have made it work by now. Would have had a degree, would be fluent or almost in japanese and ... 16y-o me was all wrong. Because despite how priviledged I am, despite the years that went by none of that happened.
I know that I cannot be too harsh on myself, because I got sick. But on the other hand I cannot blame it all on my condition. Now, I'm doing better, I could study by myself. I could study japanese, that's what I should do. Because you must work in order to fulfil your dreams. But I don't. I am paralyzed.
This dream is so big I cannot seem to find how to touch it, I keep staring at it while time is passing by. That vicious circle still has a huge impact on my mood and mental health.
There are so many years of my life, hardships, cries, people, expectations and possiblities behind this dream that it makes even scarier.
I am tired though, really tired of not being able to move towards this precious dream of mine. I am sad and sick of this vicious circle, I am done with feeling sorry for myself and seeing people achieving things while I'm stuck, or so it seems, along the road.

I've already written about this exact same thing several times before, on here, on tumblr, on twitter... I cannot even count how often I've talked about it with my therapist. And if I'm being honest, I don't have full confidence that this will change from now on, I'm not sure I'll be able to find the way out of this depressing situation. But I needed to get it out of my chest. Usually this hits around April, but today the rain and the smell of restaurants reminded me of Nara, and how happy I was to be in Japan. Ultimately the thought that I was stupid and lazy, not working on making this dream come true came to my mind and crushed me down.

I don't want to waste a chance I have just because I got sick, or because I'm scared. I really don't.
I don't want to let myself down on that, I'd like to be able to look back in a few years and smile.

Life in Paris - parisian walk

Can you tell how much I love those posts about Paris? 

Can you tell how much I love Paris?

Can you imagine that this lovestory wasn't obvious at the begining? Me neither.

I've always liked Paris, but I wasn't too crazy about coming to live here. In the end, turns out I've fallen in love with Paris instantly, intensely, and much more than any of my friends who also came to live here. 

I love Paris and its variety, I love exploring, wandering, getting lost in its streets and it never fails to amaze me. Nothing makes me happier than show people around, and see their eyes sparkle in front of the Eiffel. To every visitor I'm lucky enough to meet I like to say that Paris is alive. It welcomes you, hosts you, embraces you and heals you. 

Precisely, that's what I needed the most those past years, and still need sometimes. A warm and gentle embrace that gives a bit more strengh to carry on. I'm not quite sure I would have been able to overcome my anxiety, sadness and general confusion if somewhere else. I probably would have, ultimately, but being in Paris made it smoother and easier, as if I had had a good friend always around.

Today was gloomy, and as much as I've come to really like grey days and cloudy skies(let's not even talk about rainy nights) today I felt gloomy too. I woke up early, tired and with a headache, alone and lonely, upset and a bit sick(yay periods) so I decided to do what's the second best for my mood, after running, walking. And I thought of you guys, and decided to take my camera along so that I could share with you one of my favourite walks in Paris. 

It starts at Hotel de Ville and ends in les jardins du Luxembourg. Those are some pretty famous gardens, even more because really close to the Panthéon, and if you ever come to Paris and plan on visiting them, don't, for God's sake take the underground ! Stop at the station Hotel de ville, and walk up all the way to the gardens, passing by Notre Dame, La fontaine Saint Michel and La Sorbonne. This has to be one of my absolute favourite little walk in Paris, it is so so parisian and charming.

A city full of books cannot be anything else but perfect right?

Life in Paris - The Père Lachaise cemetery

After the warm welcome that was given to my last "Paris post" I decided to go out today, despite the heat (I almost melted) and bring my camera along with me to snap some more pictures of my lovely city. I didn't go far, actually pretty much stayed in my 'quartier', and even though I only needed to get a few ingredients for tonight's dinner, I decided to take a little walk in one of my absolute favourite spots in Paris: the Père Lachaise cemetery. You might remember an old post on this very same blog, but one never gets tired of such a beautiful and soothing place.

I also included a few pictures of Paris, the streets and little details I love about this city. I sometimes get asked if France is a racist country, and I get questions from people worrying about coming to Paris in case people wouldn't like foreigners. Muslims are currently doing the Ramadan and there's the World Cup, two big events in many people's lives. Walking in the streets there were dozens of algerian and french flags next to each other, and so many stands of delicious oriental cakes, breads and dishes. That's a side of Paris I love, and a side I wish more people would proudly show. Sure, there are racist people here, unfortunately like everywhere, but there are mostly many people who don't care and enjoy being all together.

This guy(note the beers hmhm) asked  for a picture!

healthy&vegan snack

final result of tonight's dinner. tofu&gombo with some noodles. the delish.

That's all for this "life in Paris post",  I hope you enjoyed scrolling through these pictures. Let me know if there is any particular place you'd like me to talk about, anyway, I'll keep writing that kind of post, I actually enjoy them very much! I hope you do too!