I haven't blogged in ages! I feel so sorry but I literally had NO inspiration.
No clue what I should write about and to be honest, for two weeks after the end of the second semester I had no clue what to do with myself. I spent many days in bed, doing nothing but drawing and watching movies, unconsciously trying to avoid any thinking or feeling. I guess I was just tired of this school year that has been intense and very stressful, and has brought a lot of changes in my life.
I'm quitting japanese, not definitely, not really, only will I not study it anymore at university. I'm still aiming at becoming a french teacher, but I have to wait until I'm either in my 3rd or 4rth year of university to be able to choose that major. My social anxiety prevented me from going to school therefore I'll have to go for another second year, and my major will eventually be literature.
It feels good and safe to know that I'll be studying something I love, am confident and comfortable with. It feels good to hope for the best and take decisions that may not be very easy but definitely are a step forward.
And that's precisely what I want to write about.
Thanks to my therapist, I've come to realize something which I've always somehow known but never physically or emotionnaly truly understood.
I've always thought that life was about being together, being at least two, a duo, a couple, a trio or more. About being all together, walking together in the same direction, even if all different&unique, in a dynamic that wouldn't leave anyone aside. Because I would have never carried on, kept on moving on knowing one of us was left behind or facing difficulties. I've never had this sense of individualism, this desire to succeed or do things on my own, only for myself.
What I mean by that, first of all, is that I would have never let a friend on her/his own if she/he was feeling down. I would never do that. The group means much more than my own person. If my friends aren't happy I'm not happy. If my friends aren't moving on, aren't following their paths I can't follow mine. I don't mean we should all walk together towards the same point, I mean walking as one, no matter how far away, no matter how different( although depends on how different) our aspirations are. I just feel truly, genuinely concerned with my friends lives. I think that this is sane, and a positive thing.
However I also have a tendency to forget myself too easily, and that isn't good. I clearly had no real interest in building up my own life. I have goals and interests, actually probably more than most people I know, but they aren't the most important things for me. They are tasteless if I'm not working to fulfil, reach those goals&dreams by myself. I'd be much more interested in an "unsuccessful" life surrounded by my friends who would be happy and WITH me, than a successful one, that I'd have created alone. I can't move on by myself. I can't fight for myself. I can't.
But I'm the only one to feel this way and I've come to understand that with such a clarity that it has to result in some drastic changes in my behavior.
These past two years have been a bit hectic for me, but these past 8 months have been very difficult. I'm fine, don't worry but not really could sum it up. My anxiety has grown bigger, my schoolyear has been a failure, I've lost people I loved a lot, I've felt depressed and very lonely. But the hardest of all wasn't the anxiety or the minidepression. Nope. The hardest was to see that people around me didn't care much.
They didn't stop for a minute their journey, they didn't notice that I was out of the dynamic. They were too busy with their own lives to look at me and admit that I wasn't feeling well. That I was and still am hurting.
I'm not blaming them for it. I just know I would have stopped and stepped out of the dynamic to help this friend out. But you know what? People are definitely all different and you can't expect them to behave like you would. I didn't know that, didn't want to accept that so I kept waiting for someone to come and help me stand up on my feet again. I refused to create my own dynamic, to start moving forward for myself and just waited.
But the truth is, it's very rare that people will get out of their way to help you out. It's very very rare that people will see your happiness as a part of theirs. They will value it sure, but they won't see it as as significant as theirs. And they won't be the one to save you.
No one can do for you what you can't do for yourself. Or maybe that could happen once in a while, but it's way too dangerous to wait for it to happen.
And my therapist made me realize that I need to be able to walk towards my goals, even if this is 'alone'(we're never really alone). Even if that means I'm in my own dynamic, even if that means no one will stand by me forever. Even if I can't share this dynamic with others because they're too absorbed into their own lives.
I can't change completely, and I don't want to. To speak frankly, I would probably still make my friends' wishes and dreams as important if not more than mines, and I would help them fight to fulfilm them as if I were fighting for my own but not only did I understand it, I also witnessed that they wouldn't.
And that I couldn't wait for moments to live with people only, but that moments for myself even on my own are valuable too.
Because in the end, as sad as it sounds, people around me are creating their lives and I'm not sure anymore there will be a place for me there. And I know for sure, that they won't take some of their time help me create mine.
So what I'd like to keep of all of that is that it's great loving people and caring for them. But it doesn't justify forgetting yourself, because you too, are worth having a bright life, you too are worth taking time for yourself, and sometimes, apparently putting yourself first.