lundi 3 juin 2013

Baby you're a firework.

I haven't blogged in ages! I feel so sorry but I literally had NO inspiration.
No clue what I should write about and to be honest, for two weeks after the end of the second semester I had no clue what to do with myself. I spent many days in bed, doing nothing but drawing and watching movies, unconsciously trying to avoid any thinking or feeling. I guess I was just tired of this school year that has been intense and very stressful, and has brought a lot of changes in my life.
I'm quitting japanese, not definitely, not really, only will I not study it anymore at university. I'm still aiming at becoming a french teacher, but I have to wait until I'm either in my 3rd or 4rth year of university to be able to choose that major. My social anxiety prevented me from going to school therefore I'll have to go for another second year, and my major will eventually be literature.
It feels good and safe to know that I'll be studying something I love, am confident and comfortable with. It feels good to hope for the best and take decisions that may not be very easy but definitely are a step forward.
And that's precisely what I want to write about.

Thanks to my therapist, I've come to realize something which I've always somehow known but never physically or emotionnaly truly understood.
I've always thought that life was about being together, being at least two, a duo, a couple, a trio or more. About being all together, walking together in the same direction, even if all different&unique, in a dynamic that wouldn't leave anyone aside. Because I would have never carried on, kept on moving on knowing one of us was left behind or facing difficulties. I've never had this sense of individualism, this desire to succeed or do things on my own, only for myself.
What I mean by that, first of all, is that I would have never let a friend on her/his own if she/he was feeling down. I would never do that. The group means much more than my own person. If my friends aren't happy I'm not happy. If my friends aren't moving on, aren't following their paths I can't follow mine. I don't mean we should all walk together towards the same point, I mean walking as one, no matter how far away, no matter how different( although depends on how different) our aspirations are. I just feel truly, genuinely concerned with my friends lives. I think that this is sane, and a positive thing.
However I also have a tendency to forget myself too easily, and that isn't good. I clearly had no real interest in building up my own life. I have goals and interests, actually probably more than most people I know, but they aren't the most important things for me. They are tasteless if I'm not working to fulfil, reach those goals&dreams by myself. I'd be much more interested in an "unsuccessful" life surrounded by my friends who would be happy and WITH me, than a successful one, that I'd have created alone. I can't move on by myself. I can't fight for myself. I can't.

But I'm the only one to feel this way and I've come to understand that with such a clarity that it has to result in some drastic changes in my behavior.

These past two years have been a bit hectic for me, but these past 8 months have been very difficult. I'm fine, don't worry but not really could sum it up. My anxiety has grown bigger, my schoolyear has been a failure, I've lost people I loved a lot, I've felt depressed and very lonely. But the hardest of all wasn't the anxiety or the minidepression. Nope.  The hardest was to see that people around me didn't care much.
They didn't stop for a minute their journey, they didn't notice that I was out of the dynamic. They were too busy with their own lives to look at me and admit that I wasn't feeling well. That I was and still am hurting.

I'm not blaming them for it. I just know I would have stopped and stepped out of the dynamic to help this friend out. But you know what? People are definitely all different and you can't expect them to behave like you would. I didn't know that, didn't want to accept that so I kept waiting for someone to come and help me stand up on my feet again. I refused to create my own dynamic, to start moving forward for myself and just waited.

But the truth is, it's very rare that people will get out of their way to help you out. It's very very rare that people will see your happiness as a part of theirs. They will value it sure, but they won't see it as as significant as theirs. And they won't be the one to save you.

No one can do for you what you can't do for yourself. Or maybe that could happen once in a while, but it's way too dangerous to wait for it to happen.
And my therapist made me realize that I need to be able to walk towards my goals, even if this is 'alone'(we're never really alone). Even if that means I'm in my own dynamic, even if that means no one will stand by me forever. Even if I can't share this dynamic with others because they're too absorbed into their own lives.
I can't change completely, and I  don't want to. To speak frankly, I would probably still make my friends' wishes and dreams as important if not more than mines, and I would help them fight to fulfilm them as if I were fighting for my own but not only did I understand it, I also witnessed that they wouldn't.
And that I couldn't wait for moments to live with people only, but that moments for myself even on my own are valuable too.
Because in the end, as sad as it sounds, people around me are creating their lives and I'm not sure anymore there will be a place for me there. And I know for sure, that they won't take some of their time help me create mine.

So what I'd like to keep of all of that is that it's great loving people and caring for them. But it doesn't justify forgetting yourself, because you too, are worth having a bright life, you too are worth taking time for yourself, and sometimes, apparently putting yourself first.

8 commentaires:

  1. je ne suis pas tout à fait d'accord perso... Je ne critique pas tes amis et connaissances, mais tu es probablement juste tombée sur des personnes qui n'ont pas la même façon de voir les choses que toi.
    Il y a également le genre de personnes qui, ne sachant pas exprimer leur sentiments, ne vont pas spécialement te montrer un grand intérêt, alors qu'ils sont très inquiets pour toi par exemple.
    Les gens sont différents, c'est un fait, mais je n'irais pas jusqu'à dire que c'est très rare de rencontrer quelqu'un who cares about their friends more or at least as much as for theirselves. C'est mon côté optimiste et naïf qui pense ça.
    Et d'un autre côté, mon côté pessimiste pense que tu as complètement raison. L'être humain est égoïste et mauvais dans un sens. On pourrait même les comparer à des vampires, qui n'absorbe pas le sans, mais l'énergie. et Ils te mettent à bout de force.

    Bref. Quoiqu'il en soit, courage Emy! Tu es un vrai soleil (caché derrière les nuages parfois). Et si tu as besoin de quoique ce soit, n'hésites pas. Je ne pourrais pas de décrocher la lune, mais j'essaierai de faire ce que je peux ^^

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  3. I really liked how your phrased and explain everything in this post. I went through the exact same situation about a year ago when I realized that all the time I put into other's was not, and would not be ended a few friendships and simply changed others. I totally agree in focusing on the people you love but not to forget yourself and your own dreams/wants. When I fully realized this I booked my own flight to London and now am following my dream of living there starting this fall :) and going back to school! Life is a crazy thing that just keeps teaching you lessons even if you are tired of it.
    But my point of this comment...fantastic post my dear :)

  4. I'm sorry you've had a tough year, and that people close to you have been letting you down. I definitely understand feeling lonely and like there is no one there to support you. In a way, that's the same thing I've been going through the past year. I'm trying to become comfortable with the fact that I stand apart and that I may have to reach my goals and dreams without someone beside me. Thank you for writing this, it's brave of you to realize these things and not be afraid to face the world.

  5. Bonjour Emy!
    Sorry to hear that you have also had a tough year. I'm glad that you're able to talk openly about these problems you are having because it isn't always easy thanks to social stigma of MH problems. I suffer severely from depression and anxiety so I also had trouble to go to school or go out and things, and it's very difficult when people aren't as supportive as you wish they would be. However I also believe this can be a truly positive thing because you can see who really is important in your life and who is worth trusting :)

    It's important to put your own health first and engage in selfcare, so please try to look after yourself as much as possible. I hope that starting afresh at university will help you to feel better and that you feel more like yourself soon :)

    Thankyou for sharing this Emy, it's incredibly brave and thoughtful!

    Bonne courage! <3
    - Josie

  6. Hi!

    I would like to thank you for sharing your thoughts, I think you are more courageous than you know!

    Very recently I went through something almost identical to what you described, I'd like to share this paragraph from Marianne Williamson.


    "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

  7. From Valerie Guignabodet's "Marriages!"

    Johanna: “Micky?”
    Micky: “Sweetheart. You’re going to hurt yourself . . . You’re a lot quicker than I was. It took me 25 years to get to this place.
    Johanna: “What place?”
    Micky: “The end of a journey . . . This is where I should have started.”
    Johanna: “You mean by leaving him.”
    [Micky smiles and lovingly shakes her head]
    Micky: “I mean by learning how to be alone. How to be free . . . It’s funny, my marriage is over and I’m finally capable of love. Life is admirably ironic . . . In order to love, you must be free. Free from everything, even from him. But to be free, you must be without fear. It took me 25 years to become fearless . . . Set yourself free, Johanna. Don’t be afraid of anything.”
    [Micky hugs Johanna and kisses her cheek and smiles lovingly]

    Hi Emy,
    While browsing for some french lessons on you tube, I found some of your lessons. After lesson three I saw another of your video called "Unrequited Love" which really touched me. I'm sorry if my reply may not be that relevant to this section in your blog. I'm not really familiar with all this social network stuff. But then again, with women, nothing is really irrelevant, even those things that may seem irrelevant. I don't know if you've seen this movie by Valerie Guignabodet but this, for me, is the best relationship movie ever made in terms of its honesty but most of all the character "Micky" played by Lio. Even how the movie ended was so clever and emphatic. We see her walking without shoes in the middle of the road which emphasized that she really is free - no more concerned about what people think; she will walk how she wants to walk or which side of the road she wants to walk on. Even her husband found her attractive again after she broke up with him which, as a man, I can relate to. Men get attracted not necessarily to a woman's independence but to her "freedom."

    Love yourself Emy. Everything else is a bonus.

    - Jason

  8. Emy could I ask what your therapist is like and how you found him/her?