lundi 6 octobre 2014

the longest and most confusing and confused post ever.

I often get comments and/or messages from people telling me about how strong, how positive I am and how much it inspires them. And that's amazing. That's far more than I even deserve, that's such a great and extraordinary thing to hear or read; someone telling you you inspired them, in some way or another. Because life isn't just about oneself, at least I don't think it is. In the small or the biggest details and possibilities, helping and bringing positivity to others is one of the top things we should aim at. And so, receiving such messages is always heartwarming, and it is both very humbling and very great. Great as in YES! we can share, we can exchange, words and feelings can have an impact through a screen and make a difference. It sorts of erases all the walls we think separate each and everyone of us from one another.
And seeing that, I sometimes feel guilty or uncomfortable when talking about less happy things, less positive stuff, or events and facts that aren't lesson worthy. When I talk about my social anxiety, which I don't even do that much, it always ends with a positive note. Because that's the truth, it got better for me, it can and will get better for you, if you do seek for help. With time, love and baby steps.
I came on the Internet with no intention or goal, but now I can safely say that I want to exchange with others by documenting my life. I want to show a normal, daily life and make it useful and helpful for others. For all of those who feel lonely, strange, left alone, misunderstood or rejected. Because I've felt this way when I was younger and I had no one to turn to. I had no one talking about asexuality when I was lost and didn't understand what was going on in my body and mind, I had no one talking about how you should focus on pleasing you and doing you before pleasing others, how you shouldn't worry if you don't fit into your group of friends, or how it's okay to follow a different pace, or how your worth is not only to be found in your physical appearance.
The Internet gives me the possibility to speak and be heard, by many, and I want to use this opportunity wisely. I want to comfort, reassure, inspire and empower people by sharing my personnal experiences, my doubts, fears, dreams, worries and convictions, loves. Lately I've been starting to express myself about asexuality, and how it had affected my life until now.
And recently, after I started to come at peace with that, and embracing it even, something happened. Now, me vlogging and being so open online, this particular thing was made very 'public'. I met this guy, that I was really interested in. I had a crush on someone, for once! I was excited about it, I was happy about it, I was happy to see him twice a week where he was working, I was content with that and I talked about it online, and when things went further, aka us talking, meeting and getting closer I also talked about it online. And then obviously, when things turned wrong I talked about it online as well. I was debating whether to do it or not, because I was 1/ ashamed of feeling that down  2/worried people would think of it as pitiful and pathetic or think I was looking for sympathy   3/scared of the image I'd give to those people that tell me how joyful, inspiring and happy I am, and how much it means to them.
I still did. Because I had decided to start sharing it and didn't see any reason to suddenly pretend it had never happened, and also because I needed to get that out of my chest. I needed comfort, I needed some love. And as much as I do get love from my friends and family, I'm, I've always been and will always be an Internet person. It just is natural for me to share my life online.
I just want to be real, and I want it to be true.
I am a positive person, I am an happy person, I am strong and stay true to myself, yes. But I'm not that strong. I'm resilient, but I do get hurt more often than not, and I dare to say, more often than many of the people I know. However this time was quite hard and I'm still not over it, I'm still dealing with it, and turning it inside my head for hours, wondering how I could make that a positive experience. Because there's really not much to be found positive in that. That was me before the incident.

And that was me after the incident. It doesn't even look like the same person. I changed my hair in a rather ridiculous attempt to be more mature, more 'normal'. I cried every day, I almost fainted in the street, I decided I'd go for everything this person wanted from me, no matter how uncomfortable or scared I was. I begged for him to see me and talk to me. I literally begged him. I brought him more food and never stopped smiling when I was hurting so much inside. I couldn't sleep and stopped eating. I'm not super skinny on the picture below, but I'm definitely much skinnier than I normally am. I slept on the side of the bed and on the pillow he used, and I kept the bottle of wine he drank.For more than a month I didn't eat nor sleep, nor laughed nor felt happy or at least, not aching and hurting. And during these days that I spent lying on my bed, doing nothing, listening to nothing, thinking of nothing but him, replaying the scene over and over in my head, accusing myself, blaming myself for not having done this or that I felt so ashamed of who I was. I felt so ashamed of my asexuality, ashamed of the way I talked, baheved, looked, dressed, laughed, of what made me laugh, of the things I had said. I felt violated, after I had let someone enter my house, look at my books, pictures, memories and cupboards, lay on my bed, touch me and promise me things, I was now alone, ignored and with no answer. And when finally the story ended, it got worse. I couldn't stay alone at all, I let the bathroom door opened so that I could hear my sister talk, I called my mom as soon as I had no one with me anymore, I feared metro rides when I had no signal and no one to talk to.

 Even in videos, I look tired and older. I look exhausted. However I tried hard to control myself, to not let it show and while admitting my sadness I never really expressed it. Because I wanted to be strong and positive, because I didn't want to bother the internet with my pathetic heartbreak. But this is not only an heartbreak. It's rather difficult to put in words, and even more difficult to understand I suppose for people who aren't asexual, or have no issue with sexuality or intimacy. But to me, that's a turning point, something broke in me and I feel abnormal again. I look at people around me and it's as if someone were punching me in the face. I don't want to have sex with people, I don't really want to be in relationships either, but I can fall in love. I almost fell in love this time. And I cannot help but think of how sad that is. I've never heard anyone talk about that, I know very few asexual, I don't want to label myself, I don't want to enter a community, I don't want like some people suggested to try to find asexual people to date or hang out with. Because I've always been about mixing people, embracing differences and everyone's uniqueness. I don't want to be labelled and always have to be reminded about that part of me. But now I look at couples and people in love and it hurts. Because I know that if I fall in love, I won't get to live this love. I guess it's easy to understand how that's far more complex and painful than a regular heartbreak, those already being difficult to deal with.
So I might be slightly different, I might talk about it from time to time, I might cry online a few times, but I am not going to pretend that I'm fine or am just going on with my life easily. I'm not going to dwell into it either, but I needed to write that down. To be true to myself, and so that people know that if I don't forget about it or him easily, that is because of deep and very complicated reasons. And not only because a story ended. Which is anyway already a reason to be quite sad in itself.
If you've read all of that, thank you, that was quite long and I didn't really know where I was going with that. I'm not sure I expressed myself properly but really, I don't think I can on that topic. It's too confuse, confusing, painful and vast. But I hope I made a few things clearer, without destroying the image of the positive me, that is not only an image, but really me.
And to prove it, here's me now. 

17 commentaires:

  1. You don't have to apologize Emy!It is very common to have ups and downs in life.It's simply a bad moment, but as sun rises every morning, good times always come :)
    I'd like to send you a very very big hug!!! *And please, never never change, you are a trully special and inspirational soul*

  2. I think people suggested that you only date other asexuals in order to avoid having to suffer this kind of heartbreak again. Unless you're willing to let your partner seek sexual release elsewhere, I can't see how a romantic relationship between an asexual and a sexual person could work in the long (or even medium) term.

  3. Thank you for sharing this. :) I think the more honest you are, the better, because you shouldn't feel the need to hide any parts of you because ALL parts of you is beautiful. I went through a somewhat similar thing, in terms of changing yourself in order to be desired/wanted/liked what-have-you--and I'm glad for that experience no matter how traumatizing or painful it was, because for the next person, I know that I shouldn't change myself. Whoever I am is who I am, and if I try to change any parts of me then I'll be insulting the person who I was suppose to end up with...does that make sense? haha...but I loved this post. :)

  4. Emy you are such a beautiful girl and a remarkable person! Don't be hard on yourself because sooo many people love you for the way you are.

  5. Emy you are a strong beautiful person and I hope you know that you are also inspiring even with flaws but that just makes you, you. I hope you stay strong and that things look up. I'll be here for you even though you don't know me ♥

  6. You know, I kind of admire you, because being asexual and having sexual intercourses to please your boyfriend is awful, from experience. Always trying, saying "he really wants that, i need to shut up and smile, and he'll be okay", still thinking "does he really love me ? he knows i don't like sex at all, he knows it, and he still asks for it everytime...", worrying so deeply that you puke when you see him because "what if he wants to have sex later tonight ?" ... i admire you for your strenght about that subject, because it feels like shit to be used when you're too weak to say no. You're wonderful and strong, more than you think. Please, be safe, be healthy as much as possible.

  7. Tu as déjà essayé la méditation Vipassana? Elle est vraiment utile pour gérer ses emotions.

  8. Emy, you are inspiring even during your worst, most sad moments. People do not only admire your positivity but the way that you handle life's negative moments. You're graceful and honest, the way that people should be. I hope that you start to feel better soon. As always, thank you for sharing.

  9. Asexuality is a topic I am not familiar with so I can't really comment on that, but I do commend you for refusing to label yourself or fall into a category or strictly belong to a "community" as you say. Some people are happy and need the support of these kinds of things, but I see you are not like that, so it is good that you are listening to what you want/need. Bravo, my friend. x

  10. Great love is produced by great pain. Just because this man did not understand you and your asexuality and fear of sex, does not mean that you will not meet someone else who can love you for you and not push their sexuality on to you. I, personally, would have no problem snuggling with you. :D

    Don't change who you are: a beautiful, intelligent and caring woman who has a lot of love to share.

  11. Hi dear Emy. Thanks for sharing your experience. I know how you feel now. In fact, I totally understand you when you feel so sad when you see a couple of persons in love walking on the street holding their hands, smiling and looking each other at their eyes. I lived the same. Let me tell you how could deal with a similar experience in my life. Many years ago, I was head over heals with a girl called Beitzy. She meant so much to me and she will never have idea how I loved her. I remember when I did a date with another girl in order to get over her, it was a total disaster, because at the end of the date, I said goodbye saying the name of that girl. Yes, I was a little insane, ha ha ha. In fact, I feel a nostalgy writing about her. Anyway, I just try to say to you that we’ll meet special persons along our life, also they’ll become really important persons for us, but I’ve learned something and I want to share it with you. We only have one life to live, so we must try to enjoy every moment in our life. Believe me, we shouldn’t focus on someone or something all the time, even though there were important or are still important to us. We must live this life! There are a lot of incredible and beautiful things which we have to know. About your asexuality, I want to be honest with you. I hadn’t known anyone personally who have chosen this kind of decision (Well, I don’t know you face to face, but I know you something by your videos, it’s a little advance, isn’t it? Ha ha ha). In my humble opinion, maybe you aren’t interested about sex because you don’t want to live this experience at the moment. I don’t know about other cultures, but you are so young. I totally respect your position and I think any guy who will your future boyfriend have to respect your decision. In my case, I would never pushed to my girlfriend to do it, because I think make a love is a decision of both. The sexuality is a natural part of human beings and we can’t deny it. Of course, we can choose the way to develop our sexuality, and nobody deserves to be labeled for their election, at least if this election doesn’t involve to damage to anyone in anyway. Don’t keep on thinking that there is something wrong with you. You are unique! You are so intelligent, kindly, positive, sensitive and spiritual person that I hadn’t known before. For this reason you have a lot of supporters, obviously I’m one of them. I’m absolutely honest when I say any guy in this world would be so lucky just to stand next to a woman like you!
    Well, I hope I've given you a little of what you always give us in your videos. See you!

  12. Demain dès l'aube by Victor Hugo

    Demain, dès l'aube, à l'heure où blanchit la campagne,
    Je partirai. Vois-tu, je sais que tu m'attends.
    J'irai par la forêt, j'irai par la montagne.
    Je ne puis demeurer loin de toi plus longtemps.
    Je marcherai les yeux fixés sur mes pensées,
    Sans rien voir au dehors, sans entendre aucun bruit,
    Seul, inconnu, le dos courbé, les mains croisées,
    Triste, et le jour pour moi sera comme la nuit.
    Je ne regarderai ni l'or du soir qui tombe,
    Ni les voiles au loin descendant vers Harfleur,
    Et quand j'arriverai, je mettrai sur ta tombe
    Un bouquet de houx vert et de bruyère en fleur.


    Tomorrow at Dawn by Victor Hugo

    Tomorrow, at dawn, at the hour when the countryside becomes pale with snow,
    I will leave. You see, I know that you are waiting for me.
    I will go by the forest, I will go by the mountain.
    I cannot stay far from you any longer.

    I will walk with my eyes fixed on my thoughts,
    Without seeing anything outside, without hearing any noise,
    Alone, unknown, back curved, hands crossed,
    Sad, and the day for me will be like the night.
    I will not look at the gold of the evening which falls,
    Nor the faraway sails descending towards Harfleur.
    And when I arrive, I will put on your tomb
    A green bouquet of holly and flowering heather.

  13. Il est beau de savoir être libre dans sa pensée créative. Il est bon de penser qu'être une personne positive ne dépend pas d'un crédo imposé. Le bonheur obligatoire ne serait que fausseté, et cette obligation ne résulterait pas en un choix. La colère, le doute, l'angoisse, sont des éléments qui colorent l'existence , ils sont des combustibles comme les autres. Avoir vécu l'expérience d'un amour total a changé ma vie, justement parce qu'il n'a pas fonctionné: c'est ce qui m'a donné le goût d'écrire et d'être meilleur. Fausse illusion d'être toujours mieux pour quelqu'un qui ne voudra jamais de vous, quelquesoit vos changements physiques ou spirituels, mais qui permet de découvrir qu'on a une valeur pour soit et pour les autres ensuite. Voilà des erreurs commises dans l'apprentissage, malgré la douleur. "On ne peut accorder sa confiance à celui qui n'a jamais commis d'erreurs." Hagakure.

  14. I don't know if this will make sense, but the reason I like your videos so much isn't because you come off as positive or anything like that, it's kind of the opposite actually. I see myself in so much of what you describe, especially the tough stuff. I have issues with anxiety also, and while I am not completely asexual, I could easily never have sex again and not be bothered about it--I don't dislike it but it never really does anything for me.

    I was not a vegan when I started watching your videos around a year ago, but I recently transitioned. Your videos were pretty much the reason I became curious about it as anything more than a "that's too hard" sort of concept. So thank you so much for that! I just finished Eating Animals and I cried a lot. But if you cannot look at the hard stuff, and look hard at yourself, then you cannot start to change for the better.

    It's nice to know there are people out there who look at the world in the same way you do, even if sometimes it can be so hard. I think our struggles bring us together because we end up learning the most about ourselves through them. Perfection is the enemy of the good. The reason I relate to you so much is because you're so open about the dark stuff, the hard stuff. It makes me feel not-alone, like there are other people who deal with this too and they are giving their best, so I'll do it too.

    We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be :)


  15. Sometimes love hurts real bad, but often they'll make beautiful memories, proofs that you'll have lived your life :) You're so young, don't be scared and don't be afraid of love... as I'm now :-d

  16. I also can relate - it's like you said, I feel "violated" by emotional intimacy or intimacy of any kind! I don't want to let someone (especially a man) into my world, because it feels too uncomfortable. I experience the same symptoms with my anxiety, such as not sleeping or eating, having bad panic attacks where I dry-heave. :( I don't crave closeness with anyone, and I've learned that to be around those I love, like family and close friends, is enough. Also, embracing the simple joys in life, like a nature walk, or playing an instrument. :)

  17. I LOVE YOU! I just wanted to say that. You are an amazing writer and person. 2014 had a very low point for me as well, but I'm getting better. You are too, and that's all that matters. My blog is! Hope you can check it out :)