I'm warning you, this post is going to be long and maybe a bit personal, covering subjects that some people don't want to read or hear about (aka god). But after all this is my blog, and I have felt like writing this entry all day long. Not sure where it's going to lead me exactly, though. We shall discover it together!
Let aside beauty related questions, the question that I get asked the most frequently is probably how do I do to be positive, to keep smiling, to be happy always, and to have self confidence. I'll probably do a video about self confidence( though I still have no clue how to have some). First thing first, I'm not always happy. In fact, if you've known me for a long time( more than 4years), which is unlikely to be if you're reading this, you'd be surprised to know that people consider me an optimistic person. I am, myself, somehow too always surprised and quite puzzled when I get this question. I feel like looking around in doubts "are you talking to me?". But on the other hand, words come immediatly. The answer is pretty obvious, and that makes me think that maybe, I'm indeed an optimistic girl.
This hasn't always been the case. I've already talked about it in some videos or some blogposts, but not really in depths and details. I'm not going to do it now either, because I don't feel truly comfortable with sharing that part of me, which I don't really share, even with my closest friends. But I'll try to talk about it a bit, just to give you an idea of the change that can occur in someone's personality and ways to see life&the world.
I was an unhappy child, I was an unhappy young teenager, and I was a somehow sad teenager still.
My favourite words as a child were 'no' and 'why'. Why is still one of my favourite ones, but no definitely doesn't make it to the top 3anymore. Why is now paired with yes. No more no for me, thanks.
Growing up, I had no appetite for life. I had appetite for litterature and music only. Especially litterature. Books were basically my world. They were my best friends. And they still are the ones I go back to when I feel down or lost.
Why was I that child and teenager? I had really good parents, I had really good school grades, I had friends. I had basically everything that would make up a nice childhood. But nice isn't at all the word that comes to my mind when remembering about that time of my life.
I have always thought that people were divided into three categories. The ones that are born happy, the ones that are born sad ant the ones that are neutral, on the middle line. Anyone can be happy, anyone can be sad obviously. But if nothing happens, if you just let your heart and mind at peace, I think some people will naturally be happy, feel good and some will no matter what, feel nostalgic, sad.
I think I was born a sad one. I have been sad most of my life, not the desperately sad girl crying and complaining, no. The saddest thing is that for me being sad was natural, logical. There was a priori, nothing wrong with being sad. When I think of my life until I turned 14, I picture a dark and heavy cloud always above my head. Never leaving me alone. I've thought about suicide, or death since I was 8. Just thinking there wouldn't be anything I'd miss really if I were dead, and that it wouldn't be a dramatic thing to die..
Now you understand why I feel always somehow puzzled when someone asks me what is my secret to happiness.
There's obviously no formula to happiness. No amazing magical recipe that would turn every gray day into a shinny one.
However there are few tips and tricks, few tools, few little secrets that can greatly change your life.
You already know how music helped and helps me, if not , there's an older entry about it.
The other thing or event that truly transformed my whole life, and that I don't really talk about is
God.
My parents are atheists, my whole family is, my friends also kind of are. I've been to catholic middle and highschool and that is my only religious background. I've always been really interested in religions, I've never been one of these closed or defiant teenager when it came to that matter. I was in fact really interested, I truly enjoyed talking with priests, going to religious classes and to the weekly mass that we had in the school chapel. That last until I turned 13. However, despite my strong interest for anyform of religion, I never felt that I belived in God. I read a lot about buddhism, islam, hinduism... I liked religious people, I liked learning about religions but it wasn't something I felt in me.
Until the day I saw the light. I probably already lost many of you, and surely a greater number when writing this sentence. But this is really how it happened, and how I remembered it. I was at a mass, the whole school was singing and while looking at the cross in front of us, I felt a
wave of love, of light of astonishing
softness coming to me. It was an overwhelming feeling, a very warm and strong sensation. As if the whole church suddenly became brighter, and the brightness since then has never really left me.
Does this make me a christian? A catholic? Not really. If I had to pick up a religion I'd pick christianism, for it is the one that appeals the most to me, especially because of Jesus. But I agree with so many things of buddhism, I found peace reading the Book of Spirits and I will never see the Pope as someone important.
To put it simply, dogma isn't my thing. I believe in a God of Love, that loves everyone and everything. A God present in everything, in everyone for we all have a spark within us, that we must nourish until it blazes into eternal light.
Though I don't think of myself as a catholic, I go to church often, I end my prayers with the lord's prayer and if you were to ask me who is a role model or inspiring person, I'd think of Jesus.
What is really a shame is that so many people despise God or believers because they immediatly think that we are integrists, or stupid people who have been taught to do this or to think that.
It's not the truth. You don't have to look, to behave, to think, to live a certain way to believe in God. You don't have to fit into any category.
You can live very well without God, if that is your choice, it's fine. I'm not trying to force anyone to believe, I'm just saying that maybe you feel lonely. Maybe you feel lost, maybe you don't have hope anymore or you feel like no one is here for you or understands you. If this is the case, just like it somehow was for me, maybe you should try to open your heart and your mind a bit more, for God is always here, even when you deny its existence. The light, the love, the kindness that becoming aware of his existence brought to my life is the biggest love I could ever think of.
So why am I optimistic and smiling always? Because I love life, I love people... Sure!
But also because I have God by my side. I guess for people who don't believe in God that makes no sense, but when you realize that there's someone that wanted you to be alive, someone who has a plan for you, who trusts you, loves you just for who you are, someone who will never leave you; life changes.
Everything has a reason, everything becomes beautiful, logical and precious. You are a beautiful person living in a beautiful world. You can do beautiful things, you can feel beautiful things, you can meet so many beautiful people.
Hate, anger, jealousy... they are blown away. I'm not perfect obviously, I still get irritated, and still feel jealous times to times. But I'll do my very best to avoir any mean word, any criticism or basically to huyrt anyone in anyway. To condamn, judge, blame or have any bad feelings. I have no desire to revenge, to fight or any regrets in my heart.
I focus on love, sympathy, gratitude and helping people.
Only by writing this entry I feel my heart warm, I feel at peace. So that is my biggest secret to happiness.
And I wanted to share it with you guys. If you've made it to the end of this text, thank you and congrats!
Feel free to let me know what are your thoughts on it, it's always interesting to know what's going on in people's mind.
I hope this post somehow was interesting, helpful or inspiring to some of you.
In no way was I trying to convince you that everyone should believe.
I'm just sharing what has brought me the most joy in my life,
because it would be pretty selfish not to do it, right?!
