jeudi 1 novembre 2012

We will walk together

I've spent a great day with my lovely friends, whom I don't see very often for they live 4hours away by train from Paris, and both have their own life, pretty busy with all sorts of things. We've known one another for 9years at least. I've made friends along the way, met amazing people and shared steps of my life with other people too. But when I think of my family, no matter what happened between us, no matter how many things have been left unsaid, or how many time we've misunderstood one another, they are the ones I think of, immediatly. I've had harsh words towards them, and they have left me waiting for days without replying my texts. I've been sad, disappointed and I guess I have upset them as well.
But they are my family and that hasn't changed at all. When I was on my back home, it started to rain. It was the end of the day, I had to wash my hair, and no one was waiting for me at home so I slowed down.
I usually start walking faster, head down and holding my caot-tails real tight. I rail at the rain, trying to cover my hair with a scarf because I always forget to take an umbrella with me.
But tonight I wanted to let it go, to just let the rain fall on me and apreciate this moment with myself, full of memories. I remembered a time I was still in my hometown, going back home by feet from highschool. I had no jacket, no umbrella was wearing a short sleeves dress when it started to rain. It would take me around 20minutes to be home, so I had to make it with the weather no matter what. Once home I was completely soaked and my mother was so surprised to see a big smile on my face.
There are moments when it just feels amazing to stop fighting, trying to make things go the way you want them to. Looking at people rushing to the subway and frowning, I felt happy, aware of a moment of freedom.
As water was running down my forehead, making its way slowly, it seemed tenderly to me, to my neck, I turned on my ipod, and played one of my favourite song.
I realized this moment could have happened years ago. Walking alone, in the rain, while listening to music. 
And only for that particular moment, so many things could have been the same, and so many things, surely enough, would have been different. I probably would have listened to the same kind of song, with headphone and not earphones. My hair would have been curly because of the rain, but probably not same color. My heart wouldn't have felt that full, that ageless but I'm pretty sure I would have known, even years ago, how precious this moment was. 
I often hear that people change. I don't agree with that. I think we are the same, from the moment we are born to the one we die. We carry, since our first breath the very true core of who we are. We sometimes hide it, lose it, embrace it, understand it, improve it... Just like electrons that gravitate, closer or further from their nucleus, depending on the people we meet, the place we are in, or even, the color of the sky. 
In that very moment, at the corner of my street, looking at a raindrop on my hand, I felt closer to that "true me", feeling at peace with my past&my present, feeling safe, confident enough to face my doubts, questions and contradictions. Because I understood I'd never lose the one I was, nor look at my future me as a stranger. I'll always be the same, like I've always been the same, despite the moments when I lost my true self. I didn't disappear, or got erased. It was still here, in me, and the last years I've lived have proven me that it's ok to do wrong, to make mistakes, to take an unexpected path or to reveal a part of you that nobody knows. It's fine. It's always fine, as long as you're making your own choices, drawing your own dream.

3 commentaires:

  1. Hello Emy,

    It's good to see that you are back to your creative self and in better spirits.

    The emotions and imagery you evoked with your entry were crystal clear for me. It's funny to me to see people run and cower from the rain as if they will melt instead of embracing its cleansing sensuous touch. There is nothing better than a warm summer rain caressing every part of your body and the beautiful smell of its heady dewiness afterwards.

    If I were to listen to a track while walking in the rain it would probably be this one as I am totally into OMAM at this current moment:

    Looking forward to your next words of beauty.


  2. This post was beautiful.

    Many a times I must stop myself from the craziness and rush of life to ground myself and really get in tune with my inner self and the world around me. Nature, a clear blue sky, instrumentals, or just a deep breath never makes me forget that there is more to life than the illusions around us :)

  3. such a nice song *_* your blog is very good and interesting. maybe follow? keep in touch!